


Confess your love and your folly

by gaga_for_Free



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Teen Angst, cheating!makoto, hurt!Rin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 04:24:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1252750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaga_for_Free/pseuds/gaga_for_Free
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin is hurt beyond belief and he doesn't understand why this happened to him.<br/>This fic involves lots of introspection and angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confess your love and your folly

I had no fucking idea where I was. Why was my heart feeling like it might shatter? Was it an exaggeration or was I actually shivering? Why didn't I scream, shout or snap back? Was I in a trance? Why does it feel like a numb cold is engulfing me? I can't feel anything.  
  
What is the worst moment of my life? Losing a race to Haru all those years ago or losing my love to Haru? I saw my lover, the love of my life, kiss Haru like he was sucking life right out of his body. He traced Haru's lower lip with his thumb looking like this is the last thing he wanted from his life. It was the reality, the truth I chose to ignore. I was not hallucinating now. It was not a delusion. My Makoto, the person who I thought of kissing when I woke up in the morning. Makoto, whom I wanted to feel all through the night. I needed him, he was everywhere around me. His warmth melted my hard, cold, impermeable exterior. His gentle smiles and loving eyes when he kissed my forehead. Those memories were floating in front of my eyes. That Makoto, my lover was kissing Haru, my best friend, my rival of sorts. That was one thing I never expected. Mako knew how much I loved him. He said, damn he confessed he loved me too. If that was the case then why did I feel like someone punched me right in the gut. I wanted to run away but my feet stayed plastered right there. My body was not even responding to my commands. What should I do? Why was I even confident that Mako will love me back when I was already broken inside? I was emotionally impaired by default but Mako was the one I cherished with all my heart.  
  
Was it my fault? Was I foolish and so head over heels in love with him that I refused  to notice all the signs? When I thought of my folly I started running. I did not look back, I couldn't look back. I was getting calls and mails from someone. I didn't fucking dare to look at them. I wanted to run. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere. After a while I stopped and looked at the street lights illuminating the way to Samezuka. How did I end up here? Did I take the train or did I run all the way back? I had no recollection of  my journey. It feels like the past few hours passed in a daze but why is my stomach coiling? I hunch over at the side walk to puke my guts out but its all in vain. Nothing comes out except my pleas of helplessness. No one is here, No one is there. I am all alone in this pity and despair. Was I not worthy of his love? Is it the pain all I deserve?  
   
I started walking again. I open the door and Nitori peeks from his desk. He wants to greet me. He wants to say, "Good work senpai!" or "Good afternoon Matsuoka senpai!" or "Welcome back senpai!" But he doesn't utter a single word. He doesn't say any of those things. In past couple of years he has learnt the skill to decipher my mood through my facial expressions or maybe I look like shit right now. Thankfully he stays silent and I get in the dorm room. I hang my jacket on the bunk bed's ladder and make a beeline towards the bathroom. I see myself in the bathroom mirror and conclude that I don't look like shit, I look like a wrecked shit. I turn on the tap to wash my face but suddenly seeing water makes me want to bump my fist across the glass mirror and shatter everything around me. Water reminds me of Haru. Thinking about Haru reminds me of Makoto cupping his face and kissing him with love, lust, affection and any other loving emotion one can think of. Did he forget to lock the door? Did he forget that we were supposed to...  
  
I don't want to think about it right now. Severe headache and nausea is making me dizzy. But I can absolutely fucking not faint here! Nitori would have a field day. And I ll never admit it but I really don't want to worry him. I ponder upon my shitty life for a while and then decide to call it a day. It has been exhausting, saying goodbye to your love. I move to my bed and flop down. My peripheries are splayed out like they have no life left in them but so does my heart. I hear light footsteps coming closer to my bed and then a light tap on my shoulder. Nitori's voice pierces through the silence. "Is everything alright Matsuoka senpai?" I didn't know how to answer this question. The only thing I could say was, "Nitori, I am really exhausted right now and I just want to sleep." He hesitated for a while deciding whether he should let me be or ask for more information. In the end he decided to leave it. "Good night senpai, I ll be turning off the lights soon." I was really thankful that he didn't pester me for more details.  
  
Nitori folded my jacket and after a couple of minutes it was dark in the room. I heard Nitori climbing the ladder to his bunk. As soon as I closed my eyes my phone buzzed again. I was seriously drained, I didn't even have enough strength to throw it at the nearest wall. For the next half hour the phone kept buzzing. I didn't want to know what he had to say. Was he at last content with Haru? Was he relieved that I found out and now I wont burden them with my presence anymore. I don' t know what to think and how to feel. I was walking in complete darkness and at every step I was falling down because I was unable to see the huge obstacles or the small stones lining the way. Every time I fell I heard a crack. Maybe in my heart or my spirit. I couldn't differentiate between them. Were all my efforts useless? All of a sudden my thoughts turned to Makoto. Oh I should have hugged him for one last time or would that have broken me more? Why can't I forget the beat of his heart when he was making love to me? Why can't I forget his gentle smiling eyes? Why can't I forget his warm smile? I don't know when but the sounds of my shrieks started echoing in my ears. I was screaming, was I dreaming? Was it crying or was it dying? what do I do? Where do I go? Ah, the pain, it feels so real.  
  
I feel a hand on my back. "Senpai! Senpai! Matsuoka Senapi! listen to me! RIN! listen! It's okay! It's just a bad dream. It's fine. It's okay." "Nitori, it's not a dream, it's my life! It's not okay! (sniff) Nitori him leaving me is not okay! Him not loving me is not okay! I am not fine dammit! Nothing is okay! I can't touch  him anymore. I can't feel him loving me anymore. (Sobbing) Nitori it's not okay!" I feel hands stroking my back, trying to soothe me. He doesn't say anything. He gets up from the bed where he was sitting. I get a glass of water thrusted in front of my face. "Senpai, drink it." I can't breath. "Senpai, please drink some water." I take a sip or two, the water feels like acid burning my throat. My throat feels raw with all the crying and sobbing. How weak am I to sob and cry in front of someone. Maybe its my weakness which resulted in him leaving me. Maybe I didn't love him fucking enough. I am burning up inside. It feels like my mind is short circuiting. It has all turned to smoke and ash. I can't see anything. Is this how the moth feels when it gets too close to the flame. It is the pleasure of burning which makes the moth fall in love with the flame.  
  
The soothing strokes on my back and the fluttering hands on my head make me sleepy. I am drifting through lands of slumber. Maybe it was a couple of hours or couple of days, I woke up. I couldn't open my eyes because they were all puffed up. Sunlight was streaming through the window. The memories of last night came rushing in. I wanted to escape them so I had a sudden urge to go for an early morning jog. My body was not yet ready for this onslaught but finally it succumbed to my desires. I changed my clothes and grabbed by running shoes. I made as little noise as possible. I didn't want to wake Nitori up. Unfortunately, it seems like he had a long night as well. Getting out of the dorm feels better. I was fucking suffocated in that room. I run laps for no one knows how long. I am huffing and experiencing shortness of breath. I think it is enough, enough torture for one day. When I head back to the dorm I feel Nitori pacing back and forth in the room.  
   
"Senpai! Where have you been? I was so worried! I was going to call Buchou for help." "Nitori I really appreciate what you did for me last night. But it's enough. I don't need any help! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TO TELL CAPTAIN ABOUT ANYTHING!" Nitori squirmed and fidgeted. Then I felt like I was being an asshole towards a really sincere friend. "Nitori umm Ai, that was a bit harsh but despite all that I don't want you to tell anyone anything." "Its okay Matsuoka senpai. As long as you don't want to share your worries with anyone I won't force you to do so. Its just that Kou chan called me this morning. She said she called you multiple times last night but you didn't pick up. She wanted to know if you were okay and why didn't you meet up with her yesterday when you even promised that you would."  
  
It means last night it was Gou who was constantly calling? Makoto didn't even call him once to say or explain anything which was happening? Was I so worthless? Did I mean nothing to him? It was all done now. Even if Mako called he wouldn't be able to rectify this situation.  
  
Remembering Gou's message I tried to locate my phone on my unkempt bed (it was a rough night). There were so many calls. One from his mother and a few from his sister but one call that astonished him the most was from Haru. Haru had called him? Why is that? Haru never uses his phone. He didn't use to reply when I mailed him. What did he have to say? There was a mail from Haru as well. It might be the reason of all that buzzing last night. Should I read what Haru has to say? Do I shut everyone out again? Should I dispose off my emotional side completely? What good would it do to me if I read what he said? Would it make me feel better or would it make me feel like shit? I am thinking too much. They gave me a chance when I fucked up. They opened their arms to embrace me when I was snarling my way through their life. I opened the mail and it had only one sentence. Short and blunt, just like Haru.  
Nanase Haruka: " _We are sorry Rin_."  
  
Oh, so this is it. Emotions are roaring inside me. Makoto my love. No, he _was_ my love. Our love was not mutual anymore. Makoto didn't say that he was sorry, that all of this was a mistake and he wants us to start again. They just said that they were sorry. It was a clean break and no loose ends. My love was supposed to be unrequited. My feelings will never be reciprocated. Did I have it in me to drag him along if he didn't want to walk side by side in life with me? No, I was never that cruel and I ll never be. What was I supposed to answer? My mind was going in several directions at the same time. The sent icon appeared on the screen. I looked down and felt that this was the only thing I could do. (The screen read)  
Matsuoka Rin: " _Take care of him. Love him like one is supposed to love their life. Just make him happy what he was not with me_."   
After this he mailed Gou. " _Gou, I am sorry I was held up at Samezuka. I ll visit next weekend. And don't worry mom so much you spoilt brat!_ "   

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in this beautiful fandom. I love these boys and writing angst makes me lose some steam from my own life. I hope you like this story. I love rin and he is going through this pain and hopefully it ll make him strong.  
> I would be grateful if you let me know what you thought of this fic. I am sorry if it makes you cry.


End file.
